What'cha doin? - Writing in my gournal. I write my thoughts in it every day.
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Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
this has been a mopey VD.
the high point was reading my valentines day card from my mum. i wanted to cry because it was beautiful, and she too made a joke about venereal disease and oh god i have so much to talk about and i promised either myself or someone else that i wouldn't let lj in on any of my little secrets.
i think that i'm getting a little out of hand. i don't really know who to talk to anymore or who to trust or who to care about, only because everyone pretty much fails to reciprocate. i can't really do much about it, other than keep living my life just like i always do. i keep writing to-do lists, long term to-do lists. things that i want to do before "it's too late". well, it's never too late. never say never. so in that case, i guess it is too late. this isn't going anywhere.
i skimmed through past entries before only to realize that nearly all of my entries sound the same. it's me yearning for something. well, if i've figured anything out within the past few days or the past month or the past howeverlong, it is that no amount of complaining to live gournal, nor any amount of complaining in general is going to get me any closer to where i want to be. granted, i don't actually know where i want to be.. but i figure that i don't want to be here. here in this mental state, that is. as for my physical location, i don't think it matters where i am. i'm ready to grow up. perhaps i've already done my growing up and i'm ready to BE grown up. someday we'll all grow up.
still can't hear anything.
i'm really looking forward to this upcoming vacation. it's pretty much the last week that i have before i really start devoting my time to SAT and AP prep, and let's not forget the open road. i have a bunch of ideas in store. i can only hope that my week turns out to be educational, cultural, relaxing, innovative (?), and fun. contact me if you want to collaborate.
i read an interesting article about blogging in new york magazine today. i need to pick my controversial topic. shrug, controversy. ah well. dream dream dream.
Current mood:  mopeful Current music: i'll be on the water by akron/ family
Sunday, February 5, 2006
i want an early night so i'll make this quick.
we're all doing the same krap lately. SAT prep, drivers ed., singing, homework, coffe. it's all the same krap.
i've been living in fear. fear of the road. fear of failure. fear of rejection. why has it taken so long for my fears to become apparent? why can't i be just a little normal? perhaps i am normal. perhaps i'm too normal. perhaps i'm not sure what i am, and perhaps it doesn't matter.
i thrive on temporary pleasures. a good conversation here and there, a good nap, and a good few minutes on the road. but all of it seems to precede something lousy- an abrupt ending. running short of time, the ringing phones, the barking dog, and the messy turn that puts me too far left on the road. it's becoming more and more dangerous and i'm becoming more and more apprehensive of absolutely everything. my dad told me that once you let your fears abduct one of your senses, it's bound to abduct them all. how correct. i'll stumble with my words or my actions, and then i'll seek the comfort that will keep me safe and warm temporarily. i know that most concrete things are, indeed, 110% temporary. that is horrifying. i'm just so disappointed with the way things have turned out. nothing suits me lately. nobody really wants to be my friend. i need to start going for long walks. more walking, more driving. i love to walk, i hate to drive. how much longer can i wait?
i've become so content with being so independent. i can go about my day just fine, i can find things that will make me laugh, i can get some work done. i just keep making so many mistakes. i never realized how precious confidence can be. it's not enough to have nice parents and nice material possessions and nice grades and a nice voice. there's something missing. i'm not necessarily implying that i need a boyfriend or a bestfriend or love or attention. i'm not necessarily implying anything. i need to start reading more about the different perceptions of wholeness again. i need to start reading again. i need to be brainwashed. i need to hug my mum and have her tell me that i'm lovely and that everything will be fine. i'll learn to drive and i'll be the best driver. i'll go to college and i'll be the best at going to college. my brain could still use some cleansing.
people (mr. piropato) often compare the components of life (chemistry) to cooking. you're making something, let's say soup. you're making soup and it isn't out of a can, it's from scratch. you start with the rue of the soup and you bring it to a decent consistency and then you add seasoning until it suits your tastes. some people prefer it saltier or more peppery or more whatever. i just need to make my life-soup taste great. maybe i'll add more books and more nice people and add less negativity and less sulking and less fear. nobody likes the taste of fear soup. i want the happy soup! great analogy. so poetic. *shrug.*
i wanted to add more to this lj soup but i'm tired of lj and i'm tired of soup. i'm too scared to go to bed because i'm too scared to wake up. perhaps i don't need a support team, or bettr friends and bettr times and bettr flickr... i think that all i need to do is find the comfort in everything.
***
it's just comfort. getting comfy. make yourself comfortable.
Current mood: uncomfortable Current music: julie by jens lekman
Sunday, January 29, 2006
oh wow. this past week has been tedious and long and brainy, and at some points very desensitizing, but i can't say i didn't like it. it was a great week and i am sad to see it end so soon.
* * * * *
i have a lot to learn for right now and for the rest of the week and for the rest of my life... but let's be for serious this time. i've never been able to fall asleep on sunday nights, probably because i'm up so late on friday and saturday night doing god-knows-what with god-knows-myself/mydog.
my eyes just keep opening wider and wider and even though nothing in particular has happened to me, i'm starting to feel very aware and very special. maybe i shouldn't be so fixated on everyone's flaws and maybe i shouldn't be so fixated on the sometimes strange or disappointing behavior of my friends and family and self. i don't know what the alternative is, but there must be one. perhaps i could use happy distraction. flipping through the ikea catalog gave me some motivation to clean my room because each page sets such a good example. i started by creating more blank space on my walls, so now i have a bunch of holes and nails in the wall and i guess they don't look *perfect*, but it's certainly a look. i'll fix it up l8r. i wrote a funny essay about "competition" and "survival of the fittest" for a practice SAT (not a psat). i think i made it sound like a live journal entry. please, laugh.
anyway, no more absent-mindedness. live journal gives me a bad feeling. hardly anyone is updating or writing anything special or important. live journal just likes to smoke my time. *smoke it like a cigarette.
i guess i don't feel like posting any of my wondrful photos from this past weekend. :(
*once on arrested development, george michael bluth says "i smoked the marijuana. i smoked it like a cigarette". (or something like that. whatever it was, i liked it lots)
Current mood:  manateeasy Current music: banshee beat // my brother is watching family guy
Sunday, January 22, 2006
now isn't the time for this, but i suppose it's as good a time as any. :-/. my heart has been feeling really nice lately, even if the only things i see are bleak prospects and bad cats.
we're off to a good start!
i was planning on spitting out a really long entry but i don't think i have the time or the energy or the content. well actually, i have a lot of content because i've been experiencing all sorts of things lately, and i've been learning and thinking quite a bit (go figure). there has been a lot to worry about i guess. more stress, more tension headaches, more singing, more studying, more decisions, more driving, more "junior year". i think that i have way too much to talk about. i can't do this anymore, or at least not until this week is over, because right now all of my emotions feel contradictory and indescribable and everything has been driving me insane or making me laugh and i try to be smart and mature and i try to try my best and this sentence is too long and my punctuation is faulted and i'm falling asleep and it's hardly 7 o'clock. *deep breath*.i have a lot of work to do, and it really has been a busy weekend, what, with driving my car and CATS and late night glow-in-the-dark-bowling-to-hipster-music-videos and some other weird stuff, too.
i'm either holding in my laughter or my tears, and the direct result of either of them would be the tension headache. or the sexual tension headache. or both.
i was thinking about switching to the .mac blog but that's $$$ and $$$ is better when it's far from being on my mind. speaking of money, i've been thinking about the future a lot lately. this is all so broad and far from eloquent, but i just don't feel like getting into anything. maybe i shouldn't have bothered with this in the first place. maybe i should just start using the phone more (razr or sky pie) and maybe i should get closer to people, because i feel very aloof, and as much as i enjoy it, maybe that's what is keeping me from feeling and performing my best. it's not like i want FRIENDS or anything!!! friends are such a distraction. i just want a person or two. i don't know about boyfriends and i don't know about love because, well, i'm not so sure that any of that is in my favor right now. i can't really lust after someone, and i can't be flirty or suggestive because i feel like i would only be kidding myself. *maybe there are other ways to fall in love*. i see a lot of things, and often times i don't like what i see so i try to achieve the same desired effect without resorting to something i'm uncomfortable with. i don't really want to talk to someone, having nothing but hopes and intentions of someday having a relationship with them ( as hard as it is to resist), because maybe it's shallow and maybe it's selfish and maybe that kind of thought process isn't going to be fulfilling. i would like for everything to happen naturally, at it's own pace, without anything being contrived or faulty. aaah, jeez. i once wrong an essay about the word "efficacy", and it meant a lot to me. i wish everyone would comment with an essay including their interpretation of the significance of "efficacy". that would be just lovely. but they wont. they totally wont.
if i've learned anything lately, i've learned that I AM NOT A CAT. cats are just like humans, anyway.
Current mood:  meow Current music: secret heart by feist
Saturday, January 14, 2006
lalala funny times at the coffe beanz. funny art, too. my berries are much better.
ah, i've got a lot of things on my mind, and i've got a lot of feelings in my body, and i've got a lot to say and i feel like i'm repeating myself but maybe this isn't the best place for me to be expressive. i've been feeling very out of place lately. you know, it's too late. it's just too late. too late baby now it's just too late. we'll conceive this baby some other time.
until then,
fill outz my BoYfRieNd ApPliCatiOn! (shmill shmout shmy shmoyfriend shmapplication). i'm bolding the questions that are extra important to me.
BASICS:
Name:
Age:
Location:
Height:
Hair (color and style):
Eyes:
Piercings/tattoos:
OTHER:
1. Do you drink/smoke?
2. Do you like the rain?
4. If so...would you play in it with me?
5. Do you like movies?
6. If so would you stay up and watch them with me all night?
8. Could we cuddle and just fall asleep together?
9. Would you kiss my neck? (VERY IMPORTANT!!!)?
10. Do you play any sports?
11. If so...what?
12. Would you call me right after we saw eachother?
13. How would you rate your kisses from 1-10?
14. Favorite body part on you?
15. What would you say is the best thing about yourself?
16. Do you have any reps (ie: heartbreaker, prick)?
17. Would you give me a kiss just because?
18. Would u sleep in the same bed as me?
19. Would u take me home to meet your parents?
20. Would u have sex with me?
21. If so, whats the soonest into our relationship you'd have it?
22. Would you tell your friends we had sex?
23. Would u let me touch u wherever?
24. How smart are you?
25. Do u have a specific body type that u lyk?
26. If so wut is it? (fat, skiny, chubby, athletic,etc)?
27.What would u do if i cried?
28.If i were 2 ask u out what would u say?
29.Would u makeout with me?
30.If we got to the point in the relationship where I told you I loved you, what would you say?
31.Would u ever cheat on me?
32.Would u ever trust me?
33. Would you ever lie to me?
34. Would you be proud to introduce me to your friends?
35. How far would u go with me?
36.How long would u kiss me?
37.Would u make the first move?
38.Where would u want me to take u on our first date?
39.Whats ur fav. date topic?
40.What would u tell ur friends?
41. WOULD YOU RESPECT ME?
41. Wood yu rather crap a softball or pee a marble?
42. Say we're on the Titanic, and the ship has sunk and we're floating about in the freezing cold water and we come across a large slab of wood, probably the headboard from a bed, and well, it isn't big enough for the both of us. Would you let me rest on it while you slowly and painfully transform into a popsicle, or would you hold my head under water for a few minutes and then proceed to make yourself comfortable?
btw i added 41 and 42 myself.
btw sex is great.
well, everything is changing. i'm changing and you're changing and we're all changing and everything is changing. changing shmanging. application shmapplication. coffe shmoffe.
p.s. answer with care
Current mood:  lousy Current music: blue cash by deerhoof
Sunday, January 8, 2006
life gournal. what the f do you know about life, anyway?
today, today i got my first tension headache.
all the rest is too heavy for right here and right now (but more specifically right here).
Current mood:  stressed Current music: myheadisfilledwithcementandthere'snotimeformusic
Tuesday, January 3, 2006
Jack: You must? you must do me this honor... you must promise me that you'll survive... that you won't give up... no matter what happens...
[shivering worsens even more]
Jack: No matter how hopeless... Promise me now, Rose... and never let go of that promise.
Rose: I promise...
Jack: [whispers] Never let go...
Rose: I'll never let go, Jack... I'll never let go.
so i guess it is 2006 and i'm going to be typing all funny because i got one of those paper cuts today, middle finger of the right hand. i didn't even feel it happen, but it's a bigg'n.
so i guess it's 2006. no resolutions. not making my stance on it a big deal, either. geez [you-know-who], why is it that all of a sudden people have come to realize how invalid new years resolutions are, how temporary, how pointless?!? i make my resolutions day to day because there's always room for some things that could use some fixing and a handfull of places i miss kissing yooouuu in liferocks! . i see people setting good examples and sometimes it's safe for me to follow them, other times it's safe to come up with my own examples, too. i just need to keep up the work, keep up the work nice and steady, keep up the work until it becomes good work. keep up the good work.
i suppose the point of ending a year is to give ourselves some closure that isn't fatal. i often find myself feeling the need for some closure, that's why i have such trouble finding a real reason to go to bed at night because being sleepy doesn't seem reasonable at times. yesterday, my mum told me the story of how when i was first born, they brought me home the first night and i slept sweet and sound, didn't wake up to cry or wet myself or anything! slept all through the night! that was exciting for them because babies tend not to sleep through the night when they're of the newborn flavor. so anyway, the next morning mum and dad raved to everyone about how they have this lovely baby who doesn't cry at night and sleeps sweet and sound, bob lob law! ah, the punchline; i didn't sleep through the night for the two years that followed. i was up crying and screaming all night long. some things never change.
i went to bed at 10:30 last night, the earliest night i've had since, well, i can't remember. i felt a little better in school today, not much though. school wasn't particularly enjoyable, i don't have particularly strong relationships with anyone in school right now, and maybe i'm to blame for that, it just makes things go in slow motion, feeling so distant and all. i'm not complaining though, really. this will all be resolved, in time.
i watched titanic three times over the break and it drove me insane in the best possible way. christmas morning with jack and rose. new years eve with jack and rose. new years day with jack and rose. i had nothing to do but wait... wait to die... wait to live... wait for an absolution that would never come.
i wish more things would blow my mind. i came home today and had a bit of a headache. i was glad to come straight home, callbacks aren't until thursday, and i get to choose which time i'd like to go back and that's really exciting. i have to memorize sarah - sky dialog all over again, just to be polite. i'd like to go to africa. i remember that much. guys and dolls is going to be strange. i'm starting to become a bit anxious to slowly discover what exactly this year has in store for me. everything is going really slowly now, even the time, and that is strange because i'm used to the time fly by wiring.
agghh, i know what i need to make this year a great one. maybe i've become a little bit too content with settling for whatever comes my way, by nature. we were discussing motivation in chamber singers today and felt like everything that was said was a bit trite and empty, but i guess i was looking at it from a different perspective. it isn't enough to say that YOU motivate YOURSELF, because that's hardly true! it is the setting, the characters, the literary techniques, the modes of development, the syntactic fluency, the polysyndeton/asyndeton (big and fluffy and happy and cute/ big, fluffy, happy, cute), the rest of your A.P lang&comp necessities, the pearl earrings, the tiny brush strokes, the perfect lighting, the butcher's seductive son, the angry mistress,.. it is all of that and MORE that keeps your life interesting and motivational, and not so much that little voice within you that bosses you around and tells you to eat too much dinner.
it's time to get my fix in '06, whatever that means. i need to get out more, maybe. keep myself busier in a new environment. i've thought about meeting new people, but i'm actually quite content with the people who i know, or maybe i'm not content with them personally, but i'm content with them being around and being apart of my life in one way or another. i really ought to make more of what i have. and what i don't have.
less live journal and more self-discovery, more reading, more singing, more *special feelings*( i can only hope). but these aren't my resolutions because i've had this in mind for a while now. well, anyway, more of everything, please! god forbid i deprived myself of anything this year.
see ya*
Current mood:  hopeful Current music: the softest voice by animal cooollective
Saturday, December 31, 2005
abortive, bootless, counterproductive, disadvantageous, dysfunctional, expendable, feckless, fruitless, futile, good-for-nothing, hopeless, idle, impracticable, impractical, incompetent, ineffective, ineffectual, inept, inoperative, inutile, meaningless, no good, nonfunctional, pointless, profitless, purposeless, scrap, stupid, unavailable, unavailing, unfunctional, unproductive, unprofitable, unpurposed, unusable, unworkable, vain, valueless, waste, weak, worthless
and that's just how i felt today, with the exception of a few of the synonyms for "useless", in which i feel might have been unsuitable.... !!!
heh.
watching the fire as we grow? well, i'm sold.
Current mood: see entry Current music: mushaboom, mushaboom
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
"The blues is a vocal and instrumental form of music based on a pentatonic scale as well as a characteristic twelve-bar chord progression. The form evolved in the United States in the communities of former African slaves from spirituals, praise songs, field hollers, shouts, and chants. The use of blue notes and the prominence of call-and-response patterns in the music and lyrics are indicative of the blues' West African pedigree. The blues has been a major influence on later American and Western popular music, finding expression in ragtime, jazz, big band, rhythm and blues, rock and roll and country music, as well as conventional pop songs and even modern classical music. The phrase the blues is a synonym for having a fit of the blue devils, meaning low spirits, depression and sadness."
tell me about it.
i think that this has been my least favorite holiday vacation that i've experienced thus far. no happy happenings. i've been alone nearly the entire time, my family has been sick in one way or another, and they've been tossing statements at me to help my self esteem slump to an all time low. i can't talk to anyone without feeling annoying or without accidentally spilling my guts and complaining excessively. i've always been very good at preventing myself from becoming disorganized, internally. i can see a problem within myself and fix it before it blows up out of proportion. it hasn't been easy this week. my room has been partially clean, though i did cut some corners, ie. leaving clothing on my chair as opposed to folding it or putting it away, compiling a big stack of empty poland spring bottles and not bringing them down to be recycled, etc. cutting corners is as good as cutting class or cutting your skin. i've kind of moped around all day, doing things very slowly, lingering on certain tasks and often falling asleep unnecessarily. i don't know what exactly is causing me to fall apart, maybe i haven't been singing enough, maybe i need school, maybe i need more homework (i have been reading GWAPE and i like it so far, i guess. i've been looking at Vermeer's works online, too. i think that i'm really getting a taste for art. i'm going to be one of THOSE people. you know. i want to learn how to look at art. it feels as if it should be instinctual, but there must be some sort of proper technique that lets the art take abduct your senses, quite like what some music can do.) maybe i need a good friend or a job or a purpose. maeby (funke) i need a night on the town or something. i was thinking about going into the city on saturday for a day of art and culture. i haven't been into the city for nearly a month and i've only recently (within the past day or so) started to crave some time spent there, away from the computer and away from my-mopey-self. it can be arranged.
yesterday, when i was posting pictures for my "year-in-review", i rummaged through photobucket accounts and iphoto and photos of all sorts to find that this past year has been filled with excitement and education in all forms, with the exception of the past few days. i guess it makes sense for the last week to be so empty and lifeless for me, perhaps it's just winding down to get me ready for an even more exciting and educational 2006. i mean, what else am i supposed to think? i need to think that my current slumpy mood will be temporary because, i need to think that i'll soon have the motivation to wake up to a new day with new people and new feelings, i need to think that things will take their place and i'll be okay with all of it. i think they call it "optimism". maybe you've heard of it, i don't know. optimism, hm. kind of a broad topic. seeing the inherent good in people. seeing the inherent good in everything. i think that if i were to blow the candle out, turn the computer off before pressing "update", go downstairs and play a game of scrabble with mom, well, that might be one of the most optimistic things i could do at this hour of the evening. a lot of what we do is optimistic in one way or another, whether it be studying or learning music or reading a book or watching a movie or talking to someone. perhaps our cruelest intentions aren't particularly cruel when all is said and done. maybe that's just how i want to think until something happy comes along and i don't need to construct my day based on things that have the potential to make me feel optimal.
i ordered my ViDpod last night, i need to work out how to put as much video as possible on here first, then i'll focus on converting it and then i figure i'll watch a lot of stuff (not sure what kind of stuff) when we start rehearsing for GUYS AND DOLLS. i don't know if flatatat posted a callbacks list or not because i left school early last friday. i'm just in it to learn something about my peers, i've decided that's my primary reason for participating, seeing as i've already been in the show twice, once as a guy, once as a doll. adolescent musicals bring out both the best and the worst in my peers, that's what i picked up on last year. everyone was nutty and selfish and dramatic (geez, wot a surprise), and well, i hated it while it was going on and loved it when it was over. notice, not BECAUSE it was over, but rather WHEN it was over. the two hardly correspond anyway. my eyes have been rather fuzzy today, or rather my vision. i didn't put contacts in and my glasses are probably filthy. i need someone to like, punch me in the face, bring me to my senses (defenses are not the way to go). i think that i should learn the entire tick.. tick.. boom! soundtrack before school starts up again.
i just clicked "rich text" and now i'm typing in times new roman and it feels pretty nice! i've never really explored rich text, probably because it doesn't mean much to me. it means something i suppose, just not much.
okay so tomorrow i'm going to read G.W.A.P.E all morning/afternoon. later on i'd like to go to cinema artsz to see brokeback mountain I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU, or some other flick of the homoerotic sort. friday i have a dr. appointment of some sort, i need a flu shot of some sort, then i'll spend some sort of time with my mum and wait for something of some sort to happen to me. saturday i'm going to get myself into the city somehow. i don't care who i go with at this point, maybe if none of my peers are interested (which they most likely wont be), i'll go with my dad instead. that'd be fine.
pins and needles in my foot! pins and needles! did anyone ever tell you to take your pointer finger and press on the top of your foot in the formation of a "T" when that happens? it was supposed to be the remedy for pins and needles, but quite frankly i think it was just a diversion until you regained feeling in your foot. the "T" remedy is to pins and needles as trimspa is to losing weight. there's really nothing to it.
i often find myself pressing buttons on my razr, checking the time (which is already infront of me), or checking for calls or messages of any sort. (SORT SORT SORT). it's quite depressing, i ought to turn it off or put it away or forget about it all together. i'm getting a little tired of the tree of disappointments that has proceeded to branch out and grow within these past few weeks.
lololol i love how nobody responds to me. only andrea and lisa, pretty much. jill responds when she can, and everyone else i know is pretty much m.i.a. i don't know, i guess it's funny, how weak people are towards me and how people tend to walk over my existence with or without my consent. sometimes the little ironies and little "wtf"s remind me of the kind of things that happen on arrested development. it's all in good humor, whether or not that is its intent. season two has been so good to me, it keeps me laughing and thinking and going back for more. i want to share it with everyone! that's such a nice thing, sharing something you love with someone or everyone else. sharing arrested development and sharing music and sharing in general. what was the gum commercial? "sharing is caring, it can be fun"? something like that. it can be fun. i'm glad i didn't miss that day of kindergarten when we learned how to share, but i'm not glad that so many other people did. granted, sharing is an imperative and innate part of human nature, it's almost sad that it needs to be enforced, at any age. agh, so be it. i'm in a much better mood now than i was when i started this and i hardly know why. hardly.
anyway, so i'm throwing a new years eve thing. i wouldn't call it a party, but maybe it'll be more of a fiesta. sombreros and pinatas and maracas and salsa and el prospero ano. it's just me and andrea as of right now, everybody else has made other arrangements to attend other parties, and that's fine because this isn't a party, it's a fiesta. a fiesta for people who were either not invited to a real party or don't like to drink booze or simply don't like anyone at all. i think it'll be some sort of a nice time.
yow. hot tea. burnt tongue. YOW ( i feel good). no remedy for the incinerated tongue. not yet at least.
i just got a txt message, it read "i wish natasha was in the mtnz with me :(", but i don't know who it is from. i don't want to know who it is from. i can leave that to my imagination. i wouldn't mind being in the brokeback mountains right about now. let me linger on it.
ay, whatchya thinkin?
Current mood:  all sorts of moods Current music: sunshowers by m.i.a
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
year in review part I (and let me tell you now, there is no part II)
miss ya, frankie.
( each birdie must sing with his/her own throat. )
I don't know what to make of all this. Update eventually.
Current mood: sad Current music: your ex-lover is dead by stars
Monday, December 26, 2005
I'll start this off by saying that this is the most productive thing that i've done all day. I can't stand it.
I was disappointed today, the same kind of disappointment I feel on my birthday. I always want to cry. So much hype and build up to receive a bunch of new shit that loses a bit of its value with every passing minute. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the holidays. I like having my entire immediate family home. I love to watch my parents faces when we all eat dinner or watch a movie together, because their faces look so perfect when they're observing what they've created together. So much life and so much love and so much potential for even more life and love. It's just so perfect. Everything is always perfect, I've decided. I'm a sucker for perfection anyway.
Everybody asks everybody what they got for christmas. Me? Just some stuff. Dad did pick me out some nice new speakers for my imacie, my old mac ones were pretty crappy and produced muffled sound, and now I've gots me a nice subwoofer and sound that is clear as a bell. Yeah, there's other stuff too, but I don't care to talk about it right now. I feel sick.
Well, my spirits have been pretty low lately, and I'm trying my hardest to raise them but there's really only so much I can do. I don't want to resort to relying on other people to keep me satisfied in one way or another, but maybe that's what it all comes down to. Other people. Somebody! But there is nobody. I don't know, mum hasn't been feeling well lately and that's something, I can't seem to get myself to do anything that I really should be doing, and that's something too. I need to go on a nice nature walk, I need some fresh air and some exercise and some clean water and maybe a shower and a poorly lit room and a 20 minute meditation session. I'm going to clean up tomorrow, clean up the mess I've made today and this week. The holidays called for indolence and indulgence, that's why they're looked forward to so much! How bout them human nature apples! Whatever, It's okay to be happy.
All I want for christmas is a Lloyd Dobler. I watched that before with my sister. He makes me so sad.
I wish I could find that picture of Uncle Oscar from Arrested Development (seazon2 which is currently in my possession) doing the same thing beneath Lucielle's window. Most movies make me sad. Hell, the 40-year-old VIRGIN made me sad, too. I can't win. Not on christmas. Not on chanukah. I can't win tonight.
I need a good cry, that's what I need. Last night, at my god father's christmas eve party, I spoke to a lot of adults, and come to think of it.. I felt the most comfortable inside of a conversation that I've felt in a while. I had one conversation with one guy named Jeff, he must have been in his late 40's, my dad told me to talk to him about music because Jeff is in the music industry and lives the music industry and eats the music industry and whatever's the music industry. Jeff is into some really good stuff, he's real big on my morning jacket and songs:ohia, and when we were eating dinner, he propsed a mini-toast, just between us, a toast to independent music and Elliot Smith, god rest his soul! Then I spoke to my mom's close friend Susan about meditation and how important and beneficial it is, and then about how important deep breathing is in general, and then we talked about computers and cellphones for a bit, then we talked about how meditative thinking can cure allergies, and so on from there. I've always enjoyed engaging in conversation with my parents friends, I mean, I always used to voluntarily go out to dinner with them, just because I enjoyed following along with their conversation, and I enjoyed the maturity and security. I enjoy my peers just as much I suppose, but maybe for different reasons. Often times I end up listening to conversations that consist of things like "Okay, guys, would you rather crap a softball or pee a marble?". LOL. Good question.
This week is going fly by (wire) so quickly, I just know it. It'll seem like a big messy dream sequence come this time next week. It's only 12, the silent night is young. Tomorrow I think I'll do some shopping online, I need to find a new mouse. Daddy picked one out for me, a good wireless i-can-do-everything-ever kind of a mouse, but he supposedly picked up the wrong box because this one isn't mac compatible, so be it. I'm thinking about investing in a video ipod, but I'm not sure yet. My current ipooopod pauses at least 10 times a song and it loses music sometimes and it just isn't right. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should wait a while. Money. I'll make my room look marvelous as well. From there, I don't know what I'll do. I'll do anything, I'll say anything.
I have a craving for a response of some sort.
I watched titanic this morning, or most of it. You know what that means. Today, christmas day/first night of chanukah-day, I've watched not one, but TWO movies consisting of terribly romantic love scenes that just so happen to take place in cars, plus the 40-year-old VIRGIN, plus a few good episodes of a.d, plus I've eaten a good amount of dark chocolate and a good amount of latkes and a good amount of apple sauce. I'm done eating for a while.
Jill's animal party was funny, pictures are here : http://www.snapfish.com/thumbnailshare/AlbumID=34027065/a=39855332/t_=39855332 if you haven't already taken a look. I took a few brief videos too, but I still can't seem to get any sites that will successfully load up my video without stabbing safari/the rest of my computer in the gut. I've still got a lot to learn, have I not? I left mikey mallon alone under the mistletoe. I want to create some sort of a mistletoe head band that has an extended pole that raises some mistletoe above my head at a 65 or 70 degree angle, just for kicks.. and smooches, too.
Anyway, I hope all is well with you. My door is still open to you for new years eve if you're interested. Hell, my door is open all week long pretty much. I need to read Girl With A Pearl Earring, which I'm excited for. I really want to go to the Netherlands in February. "UGH!" Hope all is well. Hope all is well.
I hope all is well.
Current mood:  sad, it's a rainy sexmas Current music: holiday surprise 1,2,3 by the olivia tremor control
Thursday, December 22, 2005
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah i am so sadkalsjgasdlkajsg jfjfsdkfjeverythingeverythingeverythingevereverythingevereverythingever.
i need to study. i need to think. i need to study. i need to think. and study. and think. and study. and think. voice is done for today. no more voice today. ..tonight. why is it so late. why can't i just lay some words on you really quick before i get cracking. why can't i ask real questions. why can't i feel okay. oh wait, i know this one! i had a talk with pete the bus driver about feeling "fine" and feeling "okay" and what it means to feel either, ya know, what's the real distinction between the two, etc. but when all is said and done, they both feel the same, and it all feels the same. i liked that he made the effort to talk to me. it made me feel really happy, and i haven't been particularly happy lately because nothing "conventionally" happy has happened. happy happenings. nah. more like disappointing disappointments. all day long i've had this urge to curl up in a ball in the middle of the floor and have a good cry. i woke up this morning and knew how tedious the events of this day would be so i shed a few tears before i stuck my glasses on. no contacts today. i looked smart!
i'm so cranky right now, and today was a real pain in the bum, just as i suspected it would be. auditions and oh my brothers and memorizing monologues and extra math and you name it you name it you name it. i think i'm going to go home after my apushere'sthesituation test tomorrow. i haven't gotten anyone any chrimboli/chanooooka presents yet, maybe because i haven't had a chance, and maybe because i don't really want to spend $$$, and maybe because i don't care for gift giving lately. well, not material gifts at least. i like the gift of song. today during chambers i sat in a practice room with emma and she played guitar and we had a sing-a-long and talked about singing. :-/.
i always get strange feedback after an audition. today's went a little something like this:
Mr. Flatt: Natasha, who's your voice teacher?
Nutasha: 'Don't have one.
Ms. Bordner, Mr. Brown, Mr Flatt: *look at eachother frantically*
Mr. Brown: You haven't been taking voice lessons?
Nutasha: ..No.
Mr. Flatt: Ha.
Mr. Brown: "When I fall in Love" is in the key of C. (jazz band auditions when we get back)
Nutasha: Good, good, good. I like that key!
Mr. Brown: You can sing whatever song you'd like though.
Nutasha: Okay I will , thanks guys!
hehehe nutasha. i really need to put some goo in my hair and then go study. i'll probably play with snowglobesz and maclampsz or something like that first though. well, here's the thing; i always get everything done. i can't tell you how or when, all i know is that i get everything done.
jill is having a party tomorrow. i don't know.
all i want for you-know-who-mas is a chainsaw and a pickup, 24 hours in my hometown, a cheap bottle of [poland spring], and you.
Current mood:  fine/okay Current music: peoria lunch box blues by songs:ohia
Sunday, December 18, 2005
I've decided to have a sing-a-long and update lj, simultaneously. Wot a task! Give me a task to do!
Here's the situation. I love to perform.
- - -
First thing is first (<- weak statement. ofCOURSE first thing is first. what else would it be, second? third? nineteenth?). Honestly, what do you think of my personality? Do I even have a personality? I see a few people who have their act together, even if their act isn't the kind of act that I have any desire to have, they have their act ship-shaped and all is well for them. I have a few people in mind, maybe two or three. I watch them as closely as I can when I see them, and they're very "in" themselves. OHHH how I admire that, the self-centeredness, the individuality, it's perfect to me. I'm aware of what I do, I have my own quirks and idiosyncrasies and I hold them close to me because I suppose that if I really were to have a personality, it would be composed of those elements. My personality would be magnetic, it would draw people to me because they'd want me to make them laugh or they'd want to hear me say something witty and clever and cutesy or they'd want me to help them out with anything and everything. What do you think? You know, nothing is crazier than having someone tell you what you are. The fortune teller did so. Lots of people have done so. I'm a hermit, I'm beyond my years, I'm a *star*, I'm a character, when really I am none of these things. Or maybe I'm all of them. Who's to say. It isn't written down anywhere, is it? There's no way of knowing who/what/where/when/why/how I am, is there. I can't really trust anyone either. I trust my parents because they brought me into this MAD WORLD where only the MAD are SANE, and they want the best for me, and that is wot I'd like to call sincere. Maternity and Paternity, sincere as can be. No one has been there for me lately, no one. Nobody wants to be, and that's the truth. No if ands or cigarette butts. I don't expect anyone aside from my parents to care for me in such a dedicated and sincere way, nope, not 'till I'm married. Or dead. (wah waaaah). But here's the thing. I am lying, because I do expect it. I've seen people care for other people before, and I get the butterflies in my stomach envisioning such a thing to exist in my own life! It's hopeful and it's idealistic and it's human and it's perfect. I both love and fear the sensation of performance in any form, because this is all a big act if you-know-what-I-mean. The feeling I get before I have to speak publicly, I anticipate the way my voice will sound and how my words will flow, I anticipate how everything will be received by my audience. How about singing, I drink gallons of water before I have to sing, I need to guarantee myself that my performance will be nothing less than perfect (even though I'm not a perfectionist. or am I.) Sometimes my leg shake while I'm singing. I think it's my body's release of the excess "nerves" that fail to really get to my head. I never get nervous. Sometimes it slips out, I'll tell someone that I'm so nervous because that's what they expect to hear, but I don't mean it. It's so much cooler not to mean it, anyway. The past two nights I've had people entertain me. Entertainment is so impersonal, but that's something else. The comedian last night was making me laugh oh so very hard, I felt like I'd known him my entire life when really the only time I'd seen him prior to that evening was when I saw him play Mr. Mushnik in the broadway production of Little Shop a few years ago. The cast of MURDER'S IN THE HEIR : THE AUDIENCE INTERACTIVE COMEDY MURDER MYSTERY WHERE YOU GET TO CHOOSE THE MURDERER YES YES YYYYYES, they were so funny, they had me loling the whole time pretty much, but there' something about watching people perform that makes me feel so tiny. Maybe that's how I could feel fulfilled. I can't get people to listen to me when we're standing on even ground, so perhaps I need to stand up on stage to matter at all. Is that really how my life is going to work out? It's not what I want. My goal is to get the same respect for simply existing as I do for belting out a good show tune or having "ridiculous" pitch. It'll take some time, but I've said it before and I'll keep saying it until I don't need to anymore. I'm very patient.
----
I love to perform. I love to get out a good song and have someone smile after because they think it sounds perfect. I don't really need anyone to care about ME when they hear it, I don't think. They need to look the voice in the eyes as opposed to looking the person in the eyes. They can close their eyes and let the noise dance around them and crawl into every hole in their body until their insides are flooded with pretty, pretty sound. That's always been my response to good music, letting it take over my entire body. That's my definition of "getting into it". Sometimes there are things and people and places that prevent that from happening, but I want to take more time to really listen to music. I don't care what kind, anything that flows, and come to think of it, it all flows (at it's own pace). People are very quick to dismiss it or just let it play in the background without listening. I come home each day and I get comfy by the computer and flick through songs that my voice can handle and I sing along, and then I'll do it again and sing over it and I'll compare my voice to the recorded voice. I used to turn the music down nearly all the way and then record my singing via soundstudio or garage band. I have one recording in my itunes of me singing over some obscure live rilo kiley song back in may. The recording isn't bad really, you can't hear the background music much and there's one part where I messed up and you can hear another voice, but a few mishaps aside, it's not bad really. I think it's time for me to start coming up with my own stuff. I've attempted to before, but I've never thought anything of it so I've never put it to use. I could use some help. I bet I could come up with something really terrific if I look in the right places and find the perfect place for my voice to go. I've always been torn between having the big broadway voice or the slightly more subtle jazzy voice or the quirky alternative voice or any voice. If I were to make my own music, I'd want to find the "happy medium" that accommodates all three. And mind you, non of my musical ambitions are competitive, but I've been told that we live in a very competitive world and that competition is simply unavoidable. That's really depressing.
(I keep ending my paragraphs with three word simple sentences.)
I've been flying solo lately. The solitary mindset is so bittersweet. It's great to be sure of your own thoughts and feelings and emotions without constantly being accused of this and that the moment you choose the express them in any way, but I suppose (or I know) it's difficult to feel anything when you have no one to interact with. It is the people around me who trigger my emotions anyway. It'd be nice to feel more connected with people, naturally. Reciprocal relationships and feelings. I haven't even really been a good daughter or student lately, and I haven't been given the opportunity to be a good friend, I don't think. Lately as in the past week. I have a good feeling about this upcoming week. All of this build up to christmas and/or something else. I know that I wont get a part for Guys and Dolls, and that's totally cool because I don't want one or anything, I'm going to be in it just to be apart of something positive, and oh man, drivers ed. lectures might interfere with park swing and I've got a bunch of potential problems concerning timing and transportation, which just so happen to be one in the same, but I figure everything will work itself out, just like it always does. Winter concert is wednesday, I have night rehearsals monday and tuesday and I'm looking forward to showing up looking my worst. That's what I did last week and it was a lot of fun. I wore a pair of my brothers old sweat pants. Side-splitting-kinda-funny!
There was so much ground that I wanted to cover tonight. I've been writing like crazy lately. I stopped doing it on loose leaf and started using a small, one subject notebook that I found whilst cleaning my room the other day. I want to have a really productive and emotionally fulfilling holiday break. I'm going to watch the entire second season of arrested development, I'm going to sing for at least an hour a day (not that I don't already to that), I'm going to keep talking to people with hopes that they'll RECIPROCATE and with hopes that things will become really nice for me and for everyone else, too. Nobody is as selfish as they think they are. That's a nice way to look at things. You know the two sides of the story, or should I say two endings. You're either in it for yourself, or you're in it for someone else, or you're in it for the two of you. Here's a ballot and a pencil. You choose the murderer.
***curtsy***
Current mood: theatrical Current music: jesus loves me by cocorosie
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Vegandrea
Why was the math book sad
11:28
» IT HAD A LOT OF PROBLEMS
I have a lot of problems. It isn't often that I do two in a row.
I love school, it's so boring. I promised myself a little while back that I'd stop calling things "boring", and stop saying "I'm bored", because everything is as boring as I allow it to be. School is still really boring. Not the academics, those I don't mind, but the redundancy of everyone. It's just not exciting. I have no real emotional attachment, I've been saying that for a while now.. that I could pack up my stuffs at any given moment and hit the road and not miss a thing. I'd miss my mum and dad and doggie and my imac and my mac lamps and my adium and my bed and a whole bunch of other tangibles. My brother and sister always complain about how they're terribly broke, no money for anything, and they tell me to embrace what I have going on right now because it does not last. I know it doesn't last, and I'm glad it doesn't last. God forbid anything lasted!
(Thought: I need more ikea potpourri, a.s.a.p.)
I haven't really spoken to anyone too much today, I felt like I had nothing to say. I'm running out of details, so now all I have are huge feelings and idears to share but I don't think anyone truly has time for that kind of talk. It's so impersonal over the internet anyway. I was thinking about that, how I can have a wonderful conversation with someone via aim, yet all the while I can't help but to wonder how many other people this person is talking to or what sites they're looking at and lots of other little things. At least when you speak to someone in person you sort of know that you have their undivided attention. Sort of.
The default text font on my computer has changed to lucida grande for every website and everything. That happened after I installed the crap mac office crap crap crap. I've been cleaning my room since sunday and I'll be dammed if it's getting any cleaner, which it isn't. I figured out why my internal clock has been so out-of-whack. IT'S THE RAZR! It's like an hour and a half slow. That'll do it, that'll do it.
Today during archery I was talking to Michele and Anders and we were all discussing what we would consider to be our romantic ideals and it was very funny to get an earfull of something so feebleminded. Everyone seems to know what they want, and that's terrific.
But really, What do I fancy? Who do I fancy?
I'm wearing ear muffins right now, the fancy kind that fit around the back of the neck. Fancy that!
Lastly, I wanted to address the issue of NEW YEARS EVE. I don't really care about NEW YEARS EVE, but seeing as it's such a big deal and my mum told me that It was very necessary for me to make plans, I've decided to invite a few people to come over. As of right now it's just me and Andrea, and I'm kind of expecting it to stay that way, but if you don't feel like getting crunk or you don't feel like doing wotever it is you would normally do, you can come spend some time, and maybe if we get enough people we could play a new years game of cranium, and then we could watch A.D. season two and look at myspace and play with Bailey. Everyone is welcome to come.
Lookie here!
Cabz! Come to your senses!
That's what I'll do. I'll come to my senses. And you can come to yours. We can come to our senses. This is sounding good. Good like Cabz night.
Current mood: lonely Current music: perfectly subtle by fellow project
Monday, December 12, 2005
Wot.the.hell.
So it has been a long week, and I wouldn't mind an lj gift certificate for christmas, *hint hint*. So let me think of something. I was doing a lot of recreational thinking during math and chambers today, and even during the constructed discussion time first half of seminar. Exacto blades and box cutters and RAZRZ ..andbearsohmy. The discussion evolved into each student giving their own diatribe in honor of the freshman class, and then everyone took a bite of the apple until we were left with the hard core, which, quite like I expected, had everything to do with 50 cent. There was a lot of talk about food fights and pudding in the air and it was all a bit melodramatic for my taste so I only opened my mouth once to tell everyone that seniority is as good as elitism, and that each lousy freshman needs to find his/herself at his/her own pace. I explained to some freshman sitting next to me who was complaining about high school, that school really is worth everyones' time, bobloblaw. Wot else should we be doing? Sitting on myspace and picking our noses and going to smiffhaven mall? I don't know why everyone is so disappointed in having a freshman class filled with bad seeds who carry razr blades. High school is the foundation for your personal growth, you know, high school: building character one 80 minute block at a time. Then the discussion evolved into how everyone will deal with a big conflict at some point in time, and everyone will get through it. Ha, a big conflict. Life is a conflict. It was a lousy discussion, I ate nearly all of my almonds.
I'm have trouble remembering anything that happened last week. There wasn't much snow, yo livejournal I gota boyfriend named laryngitis, and I got a razr, too. Weekend wasn't terrible. I went to smiffhaven mall. I don't hate smithhaven mall anymore. It's a big party, anal beads and all. Sunday morning, my room was a piggysty. I went to see Sean in NOISES OFF, it was very cute (it was a lot like PLAY ON, without the whole "DON'T WAKE THE BABY!/WILL YOU MARRY ME?!" joke that pat and I had going). I went home with Kande Kane and Lauren for a bit, and then we headed over to the Bonwittiest place on earth. It was a nice party. Lots of poking and fortune telling and château video. Howza bout that fortune teller. I know deep down that she was right about me being a hermit, and that's lovely, but I don't really want to talk about it.
This whole entry has been really impersonal. It's my mood. I come home to Bailey everyday and I'm SICK and i'm TIRED of waiting around for him to say something to me. I smiled at a bunch of people in the hallway today, people I know and don't know. Hardly anyone smiled back. I get the idea. I have to go read chaps 11 and 12 and maybe I'll skim through 10. Woteva, I'm still patient. The english patient.
p.s. Arrested Development is ontonight.
p.s.s. I feel like the time is wrong every time I look at it.
Current mood: gloomy Current music: banshee beat by animal collective
Tuesday, December 6, 2005
I could write a really long one right now, I've got some good material and inspiration and collected thoughts and memories and an underlying message and everything. I've got time, too, but I'm not ready yet. Not ready for the big one. I'll wait. I can wait because I'm patient. Thanks for making a mockery of it.
Lgay, I'm feeling blue. I restarted my computer before and mac lamps disappeared, but they're up and shining bright, yet again. I had an enjoyable weekend, to say the least. I'm done with growing up. I want to be gone for the weekends.
I could make some weak, false statements right about now. "Nobody cares about me". "Nobody loves me". "Nobody wants to talk to me". Sometimes that's the case. I slept and ate and wrote all day, and it worked out for me. I fell off a quick cliff and scuffed up my knees and that's why I cried in bed when I got home, but all that aside, things could have been MUCH worse. I've come to expect the ironic events, the dry humor, and "that's-so-typical". I've been talking about starting a new lately, escaping to the city every weekend and sleeping at kt's, exploring a bit, talking to strangers and making picnics in the snow. I hate it when people hate the snow. There are so many other things to hate. Snow is white and acceptable and legal if you know what I mean *elbow elbow wink wink*. I get through everything in school each day, trying to get something out of people, trying to get people to love me in one way or another. I'm failing. I say things and people misinterpret because they think they know everything about everything. They think they know about consciousness and feelings and what all of that means because they saw it on MTV true life : I have feelings, or they read it in a "teenfuck" magazine. Spare me. There's something and someone out there for everyone. Some people need to look far and wide for something that will settle their stomach, and I think that I'm one of those people who needs to WAIT FOR IT.. WAIT FOR IT..WAIT FOR IT..WAAAAIT FOR IT.. WAIT FOR IT..wait for it. I need to wait for it, and I totally will.
All rudeness and bluntness and pretentiousness aside, I'm hoping for a two hour delay, not a snow day. Snow days now result in a weak easter break. School isn't so bad, after all. It's a small world, after all.
I took note of a lot of things that went on in the city over the weekend, you know, funny people I saw at ted leo, my brother and sister and their friends and relationships, the cold hearted insights of some of my own friends, etc. I'm not looking to escape anything right now. What kind of a coward runs away from all the fun. I was talking to Brooke about highschool kids, and her description was pretty accurate. Everyone's looking for their niche and everyone's looking to have an opinion, no matter how invalid it is or no matter how little evidence they have to support it. Everyone's looking to grow up fast so they can live a fast life and drive a fast car and eat fast food. All I can say to everyone, myself included, is to slow down a little. Youth doesn't have to be wasted on the young.
I want to write so much more but I want even more to lay in bed and look up at my glow in the dark moon and play guessing games with myself to decode the shadows on my walls and ceiling.
Sweet dreams.
p.s. I lost my voice can I have yours?
p.s.s I tried to sing a note today and almost coughed up a lung in the process,
p.s.s.s :(
p.s.s.s.s why is there always something to be sad about?
p.s.s.s.s.s do you think the purpose of the p.s is negated once you stretch it out so far, enough for it to seem pointless to have ended the text so soon?
p.s. who cares
p.s.s.s.s.s.s.s.s..s.stfu. arrested development was really funny tonight. especially how they tied the end into the "on next weeks arrested development".
p.s. i hate to let go of this so soon.
p.s.s.s.s.s. mac lamps time.
Current mood: 2hr delay Current music: duet for guitars, no. 3 by m.ward
Saturday, December 3, 2005
I would bless ya with a really long and good one, but I've got a huge day ahead of me and I'm not the least bit sleepy and I've got to pretend to be.
I looked at Jill's pictures earlier today
Why am I always in the back seat?
I don't feel like I have a lot right now, when really I have exactly what I've always had. All I know is I'm ready for the front seat. Everything that is happening lately seems to be building up to something huge, yet there are very few road signs pointing me in any particular direction, signaling me appropriately, or giving me any HINTS. I know that everyone is testing my patience level, you know, when they make fun of my hair or tell me that I'm an asshole. Sucks to your everyone. I'm thinking hard and I'm thinking that patience is the only thing that will allow me to hang-in-there until I turn twelve and I can legally sit in the front seat and legally enjoy something great.
Current mood:  confused Current music: work hard/play hard by will oldham
Monday, November 28, 2005
"i love everything right now. for the first time in forever, i really feel like i LOVE my friends. all of them. even andrea. and especially andrew. and jill is great. and lisa would be good if she were around, i'm sure. ah just everyone. we all had fun tonight, tickle fights and talk sex with sue and it's just nice to be with people you love for a few hours in a comfortable environment (my bed) and even though my curtains will never look the same, i'd like to think it was all worth while."
....
hHAHAHAHAHSDHFSHAHHFHSDKJFHSDKLFJAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. what the fuck.wtfwtfwtfwtfwtf. Is this the same Natasha? Nonononono. It can't be. "i really feel like i LOVE my friends". You see? I really FEEL like I LOVE my friends. Is it possible for you to feel incorrectly? Can feelings be wrong? They sure as hell feel like they're wrong. Now more than ever. I know though, I know about this. My brother called me a "know-it-all". I know that my feelings are the most righteous aspect of my existence no matter how much they change during a five month period. That paragraph though, I remember exactly how I felt after writing that. I read it over and over again and thought to myself, "Wow, this doesn't sound like me. It's not me, is it. Wow. How 'bout that." It was me though, wasn't it. Wow. How 'bout that. I sound so over-sexed and pathetic. I felt so over-sexed and pathetic, too. I was so aware of it, yet so comfortable. Was I settling for less? I had a lot back then. Stable group of friends, a companion, lots of free time, lots of attention. That's a lot to have. Meanwhile, I feel like I have so much more now. There's more to me now, more to my existence, and I like that. I've been stopping to acknowledge everything that sits in my subconscious and rears its ugly head at any given moment. I have a lot in common with people I know, on the surface. Everyone wants to give and receive love because everyone can. There's tons of built up and stored physical energy just waiting to be released. I noticed how much physical tension I've felt lately when I'm around other people. Maybe it's from sticking to myself a lot of the time. Being physical with someone seems foreign right now, and I don't think that's healthy. I snuggled up with Andrea on saturday night while we watched "The Incredibles", and it was indeed, incredible. It wasn't romantic or anything, not to my knowledge at least, but I felt a closeness that I hadn't felt in a little while. Closeness and sweetness are on my list. And flowers. Let's not forget flowers.
I have a bit of a head cold right now, and sure, I could have tuff'd it up and gone to school and come home and crashed, but I figured I'd take today to recover and relax and blow my nose and rest and write and study a little bit more. My very first sick day this year. It feels okay, to say the least. It's only monday.
Monday, monday. Nah nah, nah-nah-nah-nah. What is that? Mama's and Papas? How sad.
I tossed and turned in bed all night, I tried to stay relaxed because I really had intended on making it to school, but come 5:30 I hadn't gotten a hint of quality sleep, so I went into mum's room and told her I wasn't feel too well and she told me to go back to my room and turn the alarm off and relax, and that's exactly what I did. I took some cold medicine that knocked me out pretty quick and I also inhaled some vicks vapor rub, and then I got warm and comfy in my mush of a bed and woke up at 9:30 feeling a bit healthier and happier. I cleaned up my room quite a bit over the weekend after my sister had left and my dad took the extra bed out of my room. I think I'm going to keep my bed up against the wall for a little while, rather than slightly in the center of the wall. It feels more secure when it's against the wall. It was strange having my sister sleep in my room, especially since she was sick. Something about tonsillitis. It's incredible how quickly an adult becomes immature once they're being nurtured by their parents. They revert back to being a baby. A helpless little baby. I wouldn't mind being a baby right now.
I want to sing. I miss my voice. :(
I watched "Eternal Sunshine.." this morning. Every time I watch it I always end up feeling so in love. In love with what? I don't know. Something or someone. Regardless, I'm in love.
Notice how everyone who is thinking lately loves what they hate? I hated the RENT movie. No love there. I could go on and on and on and on about everything that went wrong. You know, everything was so spelled out and "without you" was in a different key and it just didn't work for me. That's okay though, they might make a dollar. Lots of dollars. $$$$$$.
I've been in the city once a week for the past three weeks, and I've got another city weekend ahead, and look, I apologize ahead of time for sounding SO CLICHE BECAUSE EVERYONE WANTS TO LIVE IN THE CITY LOL but I'm really getting a taste for it, now more than ever. Not because it's so fun and free and wonderful and cultural and intellectual, but just because I feel something a little more personal there than I do anywhere else. Everything seems more intimate for some reason. I know better though. Your setting is what you make of it. I could turn long island into my own little greenwich village if I wanted to. After all, home is where the heart is. I learned that in 8th grade.
25 days of christmas. This is going to be a really quick holiday season. I'm not going to ask for much, just Arrested Development seazon two. Maybe I can think of some other things. I have everything I want, material wise. I wonder what it feels like to do without. I also wonder what it feels like to be tone deaf, or to have perfect vision without any correction, and to breathe through your mouth and nose at the same time. Or just to breathe through your nose.
You know, I deleted like, 40 of my closest myspace friends this morning, and I want to delete more. Delete delete delete until I'm left with people who I'd feel comfortable calling my friends. I shouldn't do that though. That's not what myspace is about. Heck, I'd hardly be able to fill up my top 8! I don't know, everything is very slow and very funny the more and more I think about it. I spoke to Lauren over the weekend about "something special". My take on that is that we need to be patient. WAIT FOR IT.. WAAAIT FOR IT.. wait for it. Prioritize, for now. Everything counts, but some things count more than others.
I've been posting pictures lately. I'll leave you with something. Lemme browse.
and
I found this on my desktop and it made me think of Pat Sullivan
I love my friends.
Current mood:  stuffed Current music: superconnected by broken social scene
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
I dressed as an Indian today, sort of. Feels good to feel festive. On to the point. Everyone seems so oblivious lately, just completely unaware of themselves and their surroundings. I've been making like a ton of inside jokes with myself. Real inside jokes. I try to share things with people but most people don't need to hear it from me. Someone recently told me that I don't get enough credit. I explained to him that I don't want this so-called credit, and how I don't really deserve it. I'm not so sure what people think of me anymore. I haven't really been going out of my way to be impressionable, I've just been trusting my instincts, letting my sweetest intentions take the wheel. Sure, my sweetest intentions sometimes fail to accelerate properly around the roundabout and that just might result in a flatty flat tire, but I'm very okay with that.
I woke up on monday morning and my body felt as if it had been turned inside out so that my insides were exposed to the cool air trapped inside my unheated house. My parents have this thing against going to sleep with a decent amount of heat flowing. For this reason, I wake up as a popsicle every morning. The fact that I wont turn the fan setting on my air conditioner off doesn't help, but I really need that. I'll try to fall asleep in the silence but my thoughts are so terribly noisy sometimes that I need the air flow lullaby to ease my mind and put me to rest. I'm okay with that, too.
But seriously, when I woke up with that chilling sensation, feeling cold and exposed, it wasn't so much a physical thing as it was psychological. I had to come down from the exciting weekend cloud, I suppose. My body uses strange coping mechanisms during even the slightest transitional periods. I go to sleep every night and define all of the events of my day. I define them, compare them, etc. Quite like how it's done in school. I want every day to count. I don't want my life to be a continuous string of weekends. My mom told me in 6th grade, after Justin Warren had died, something she'd learned from her experiences from dealing with breast cancer... how it's never worth it to her to sleep in past a 9 o'clock or so because she feels like she's wasting her life away, and she proceeded to tell me to "make every day count". I feel incredibly guilty if I sleep past 10 o'clock on a Saturday or Sunday, no matter how late I go to sleep the previous night. It's a great thing to do though, make every day count. It sounds pretty cliche, and I suppose it really is, but it's something that people tend not to take into consideration before they take their three hour naps or engage in other less-than-productive activities. And maybe there really is no such thing as wasted time, but there are a number of things that we do that we don't really account for. I often complain about not feeling fulfilled and I guess I'm to blame for that. I can't rely on other people to make me happy anymore. Everything is in my handz.
I feel so prepared for everything lately. Nothing seems outrageous to me anymore, nothing and nobody. It's the spontaneity factor in life that keeps me wanting more and more. When Sean and I were in the city, we were about to cross the street when we saw this very shady character wearing a long coat and some sort of a top hat, and he was dragging along a suitcase on wheels, and right as he began to cross the street he discarded the suitcase and it was left forlorn on the side walk, and then we heard some sort of a beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...beep. (Tick, tick, BOOM!) We both acknowledged the peculiarity of this and quickly headed in the opposite direction. I wonder what that was really all about. Maybe the beeping was in our heads. This kind of thing is what our parents tell us to look out for! Maybe it wasn't so spontaneous after all. Maybe.
My official NYS learners permit came in the mail on monday. I look like I'm in a lot of pain in my photo. I think I was at the time though. It'll be nice to show the webster hall bouncer just one card as opposed to messily rummaging through my bag to find all sorts printed identification. messy mess.
Speaking of mess
This picture is shitty and poorly illuminated, but look at the bonez. LOOK AT THE EXCEPTER RIB CAGE. Terrifying. Sean and I took a few extremely brief video clips. I should have gotten more.
I don't have much planned for this thanksgiving weekend. I suppose I'll go to see RENT at some point. I heard it wasn't too great, with the original cast being too old for their parts, and weak setting. A lot of the review's complaints seemed like they would be pretty valid, especially in saying that a movie that's trying to address issues such as losing ones dignity because of personal conflicts and disease, well, it's all sort of upstaged by everyones' concern with terrorism and natural disasters, and it's not half as inspirational as it is supposed to be. Wotever, I'll make my own evaluation soon enough.
My report card was okay. Not bad at all. That is that. I just helped my mom with stuff. I'm pretty tired now, I need to clean up my room for tomorrow and then I want to read a whole lot. I don't think I like turkey. Fuck. Look at Indian Aubrey at lunch today. Look at her.
Have a good one.
Current mood: hummmmble Current music: winters love by animal collective
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